old_blog: otv
Pointless Thoughts of a Mentally Infected Individual.
Sunday 09 December
Just a short one today. I'm talking about the diary type thing entry. I'm going to tell you about my paranoia. 'What paranoia?' I hear you mutter... Well... There was the stage I went through where I was adamant that Nostradamus was correct and that World War Three was going to start on the 8th of August 1999 or something. Oh dear. How wrong he was. Oh dear. How stupid I looked. Never mind. But that's not the worst. Oh yes. It gets worse. Then there was the fear of standing near to a window. I know how stupid that sounds now when you think about it, but believe me... I was completely paranoid. I had an absolute fear of standing closer than three feet to a window. But I bet you don't know why do you? Well?? Well!!?? Here it comes... I was afraid that someone would be perched on a rooftop nearby and would sniper me. There you go. Sniper me. Oh dear. Well, glad that stage is over and done with. Sure I can find something even more stupid to be paranoid about in future though.
Saturday 10th November
Now I feel a complete divot. The entry below was written during a complete systme failure at work... That was the good bit. The bad part was that I completely forgot that it was impossible to email it myself on the day. D'oheth! Nay mind...Well, here it is anyways:
Today's topic of conversation is Computers. Great when they work. Pain in the arse when they don't.
Mine was running smoother than a waxed bikini line until about three days ago when some biatch infected me with a poxy replicating virus, which was impossible to get rid of; thus I lost the contents of my hard drive during a reformat. And the last week or so of updates on here. Bastards! So, now that I am back up and running and all seems sweet again (or as sweet as possible with Microshaft Windblows) I thought I have a good old grumble about it all. So here goes: grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble. Now that I've got that out of the way onto more important matters: Porn. The source of 99% of the revenue from the Internet, and the only thing that most people buy PCs for. Why you ask, do I bring this up? I'll tell you:
I haven't got a smegging clue. Nay mind. But don't forget - Porn is cool
Which reminds me; can anyone remember the advert for Star Wars : Episode One on the Playstation? (Christ, I just breached two copyrights by mentioning that here didn't I? And some added blasphemy to boot. I may as well mention Freeserve here as well. Er, sorry, FreeSmurf) Anyway, Star Wars: Phantom Menace: the advert. It is cool. There's a queue outside a club, and some lads are trying to get in. The problem is they're wearing trainers and the club has a no trainers policy. One of the lads walks up to the bouncer with his hood pulled over his head. He waves his hand (Obi Wan Kenobi style) and says; "Trainers are cool". The bouncer replies "Trainers ARE cool." With a really gone out look. The lad continues "So you're gonna let us in." To which the bouncer says "So I'm gonna let you in". And waves the lads in. they run in to the Star Wars tune in the club pounding away with some ridiculously heavy beat to it. Fantastic.
Back on to more important matters again. Erm, no sorry I've forgotten it. Anyway, as it happens I'm writing this at work; The good old FreeSmurf. Well, the old FreeSmurf. Anyway. Oh sod it. They're a bunch of gits really and I can't stand it. More unreliable than a one-legged marathon runner. Aaaaaaaaarrrrgggghhhh! For Christ's sake. Someone save me, I think my brain is melting. It's too busy for a Sunday morning. Why do they come to me to die?! Why do they come to me to die?!!? It's at times like this I wish I was asleep in my bed at home. Hmmmm, warm cosy bed. Hmmmm, sleep. Ah, bliss. But this - Le FreeSmurf smeg support line. Complete boredom. I couldn't be more bored if I was a big fat bored man sat on the bored chair being carried down bored street during the bored parade with a big sign that reads "I'm bored!." In fact, I'm chairman of the bored.
Plus , an extra added free bonus! All the systems here are down. That means NO email, NO web, NO customer reference numbers, NO password checking, NO double checking details. In fact, I'm doing my job off the top of my head today. Because I'm sooooo god damn great obviously!!! I digress, I must desist. I must go now for the spoutings (of my mouth, of my mouth!) are becoming too much. Au revoir, for I must go. :-)
Wednesday 10th October
Here's a peculiar concept - Names. Now I know they're a necessity. It always helps to know who people are. But lets look at it from a different point of view. How about if you had to cope with too many names, which means that you mistake people for other people and mix names and faces up, etc. etc. etc. Here's a prime example - I bumped into a friend I hadn't seen for a while the other day, who I could have sworn blindly was called Richard. Turns out his name was Jonathan. Now, you see he is about 6 feet tall, spikey hair, decent bloke. Richard has similar features. Great, two people I know who look nearly the same. (Hey, maybe they are the same person... Jeckyll and Hyde and all that). I then had a great idea. I'm not going to tell you just yet, but first, I must explain a little further: While I was working full time for the Freesmurfage, I was good mates with a lad called Mark. But because I didn't know his name at first, it ended up me calling him Brian for ease of memory. Now this name stuck and I still call him Brian even now. So I thought to myself.... and thought... and thought... and then came the idea:
OK, here goes: I call EVERYONE Brian. That means I can't get anyone's name wrong or mistake them for someone else, because my comeback would be "All you Brian's eh? You're all the same to me..." etc. etc. etc. Fantastic! Uniformity of nameages! Can't go wrong. But then I suppose you could. Imagine listening to a footy match on the radio... "And here is Brian, down the left side to Brian, followed closely by Brian. Chip over the top through to Brian, in close pursuit there is Brian, formerly of Brian Town. Here's Brian now, dinked through to Brian, knocked sideways to Brian. Ohhh, great tackle there by Brian, who knocks it back now to the keeper Brian, who hoofs it upfield. Pulled down by Brian....." etc. etc. Now that would be enough to melt anyone's brian, erm brain sorry....
Thursday 20th September
Well, I definitely lived up to my non-promise of not writing a proper diary or even getting summat in here every day. Nay mind. I did have a really good idea for summat to put in this diary thing, it was *really* good, but my *stupid* brain forgot it, thus I hold it completely responsible for the entire escapade of having to put this here to say, I didn't forget - it was my brain. Definitely can't blame me for that. At least I don't think you can. Or if you do, I won't care, I'll just say "'Twas my brain", "'Twas my foot" or some similar rambling. Maybe I'd go a far as saying "'Twas the mean, scary man at the window" or possibly "'Twas the one armed ambidextrous juggler". Even if it wasn't their fault.
Well, anywho. I started Uni three days ago, still not actually started as in started. More along the lines of well, kinda started but more likely, trying to start but waiting around filling a lot of forms in saying I'm me, you're you, lets keep it that way. That sort of thing. It's okay I suppose. Bit of a slow start though.
Off on a complete tangent: Does anyone actually read this section? I don't think they do. I do, but then I know it's here. And I suspect that because you're reading it, whoever you are--- you found it. Congrats. It's a species of rats. Well done as well. Tell people to come here and read this. Why? I dunno. Summat to do in't it? Better than sitting on your arse not doing 'owt. Better than being bored. At least this is being bored, sitting around on your arse not doing anything with some real meaning. When I figure out what this meaning is, I'll let you all know.
Sunday 2nd September.
There's no way I'm going to do one of these every day, so I figure keep you up to speed once every century or so. Maybe a bit more often providing four main things remain: 1/ I keep breathing, 2/ I don't lose my arms, 3/ My PC doesn't blow up and 4/ I can be bothered.
I thought I'd start by talking (or writing) about the bizarre conversation I had with someone. May have been several people. It was probably loads of people but I may have been imagining the entire thing anyway. Although I'm pretty sure I did have this conversation at least twice. I think. It was all about shoes, socks, hair and gel. Not all in the same conversation, more like two seperate mini-conversations linked by a similar theme. Or something. The first: I asked a friend "What if... shoes were socks?"
This brought about a rather lengthy speech about the fact that maybe if that was the case, then surely socks would be shoes? And would that mean therefore that with both socks being shoes and shoes being socks surely there were both each other and that neither were the other simultaneously. Maybe if shoes were socks, then the word shoe meant in actual fact socks and vice versa. So, was this some kind of government conspiracy or something? Why were they hiding this from us? Why not just call shoes socks and sock shoes? Why did I even visage this is the first instance? If shoes were socks and socks shoes then why weren't they called the opposite to what they are currently called. At this point I gave up.
The second conversation was along similar lines but as mentioned before it covered hair and gel. Now you're probably expecting me to say "but what if hair was gel and gel hair?" But I'm not going to. The idea here was I figured that maybe it would be easier to actually have gel instead of hair, meaning that you would have a thin layer of gel upon your scalp. This would then allow you to wash your hair off every night, and put some new fresh hair on every morning before you left the house. Not only would this allow you to easily trial new hairstyles, colours, shapes, forms, whatever, but it would also save you a fortune in hair gel, and save you a packet at the hairdressers. The major drawbacks however, come when you think, "Surely hair would be more expensive to buy all the time?" and "What would all the hairdressers and barbers do?" Okay, so maybe it's not such a great idea. But listen (or read) I've got to talk about something or else my brain would melt. Although coming to think about it, I think it may already have melted. I'm not sure.
I leave you with this thought for now- would you rather have socks that are shoes or gel instead of hair?