They went on a journey to nowhere in particular. And this is what happened.

it was a journey

and they went away

and so it went...

One day peter, phil, mr steer and kev got in a car.
phil, peter and mr steer drove. mr steer was a passenger, as was phil and peter. oh, and kev.
he was also a passenger.
phil inserted the plastic-butted silver key into the ignition.
with one swift motion of his wrist, the car shivered into life.
phil popped the gearstick into first.
applying just the right ammount of tender loving care to the accelerator pedal, mr steer had the car growling to his every whim.
with exact precision of movement and coordination, petter lifted his foot from the clutch, as mr steer injected precious revs into existence, and the car lurched forwards on it's journey home.
"have you got a map?" inquired kevin. "aye, that i have laddie. 'tis all up here..." replied peter, tapping his forhead and pulling his cheek muscles into a cheeky little grin.
"ah right" came a mumble from the passenger.
the car tore between other vehicles on the road, she was a happy girl today. plenty off attention, plenty of opportunities to show her sleek figure and her angelic prowess. the needle on the speedometer threw itself forwards, as the car was put into fifth gear.
"fuck me peter," yelped kev from the back seat "this car rips!". peter glanced at phil and nodded in appreciation towards kev.
mr steer was never less pleased than when he was left out, so joined in the nods of appreciation too.
minutes flowed by like waterfalls, each into the past, and below them into never-existance.it was as if time had stopped for them to savour the freedom.



"phil."
"i think me, i want life"
"phil"
"i think me, i want a house and a wife"
"peter"
"i wanna shimmy shimmy shimmy til the break of dawn yeah!"
"PETER!"
"whasup kev?" peter suddendly jolted back into reality.
"i think we've missed our turn off"
"when?" phil interected abruptly.
"about 45 minutes back" replied kev, looking more than slightly vicious.
"i don't think so" hollered mr steer from the drivers seat "i've got the route planned out"
"you said that after the last time i tried to tell you we were off track"
"i know. and i'm still right regardless. we go forth. we'll be back in no time" mr steer assured kev politely.
"peter, we left england four days ago, why don't we just turn back? we'd get back quicker then." replied kev, hinting in the least hintful way.
phil took offence. "excuse me but i planned out this route from beginning to end along with peter and mr steer" he gasped for breath "and i don't see that we are on the wrong road. we'll be home before you know it."


the sun rose over the car, a glorious site to cold, tired eyes. kevin rubbed the sleep from his eyes and peered from the window at the surrounding geography.
"where the fuck are we phil?" he screeched in the direction of the drivers seat.
"i'm driving now!" exclaimed a jubilant outline from the aformentioned seat. he turned his head towards kevin.
"peter?"
"that's right" cried peter with jovial echoes in his voice. " we're having a holiday!" peter vibrated with delight in the grey cushioned chair.
"what!?" cried kev from his corner of the car.
"have it!" phil announced from a little over a foot away from kev's ear.
"so where are we then?" kev questioned.
"barnsley" peter shunted.
"barnsley?"
"yep. barnsley!" peter stated with the kind of commited decision you would only get from the wisest of men in the most complicated and dangerous situation of their life, trying to save eternity from damnation forever, who knows the correct answer to all the questions of everyman.
"no we're not" stated mr steer, coldly.
"where are we then?" kevin surrendered.
"erm." phil paused. "signapore".
"what?!!!?!?!"
and kev exploded.

the car stood motionless in the morning dew, as the sun shone down upon the traveller's peaceful souls.
"ouch!" blurted mr steer and his recieved the wrong end of a boot to the head.



phil nursed his aching head still, sillouhetted against the rising sun.
"i still don't see why you had to kick us to wake us up." he mumbled from the back seat. "and it's my turn to drive"
"i'm driving phil. it's the only way home"
"kev please!?" moaned phil "i haven't driven for days."
"that's because you have concussion and you're not safe to drive."
"that's because you kicked me in the head"
"that's because it's safer if i drive"
"that's not fair. you cheated. it was my turn to drive."
"that's not going to happen"
"can i call shotgun then?" quizzed phil.
"i called shotgun" replied peter.
"can i call bagsy?" asked phil
"i was going to call ba..." started mr steer
"BAGSY!" yelled phil.
"bastard!" mr steer poked through the air of smugness surrounding phil's head.
phil presently pulled the smug switch, and motioned to mr steer to swap seats.
mr steer complied, although grudgingly. he slumped in his new seat, behind peter.
"mmmmmmmm!" smooched phil, and he let out a calming breath.
"stop it!" shouted mr steer, breaking phil's aura into smithereens, shattering his serenity.
he turned directly to mr steer, and slowing wound up his middle finger. waving it in mr steer's face for a good few seconds before leaving it to rest.
mr steer grouched out of the window, and promptly ignored everyone for the next three days.


phil smiled as he slid the car across to the middle lane, swooping along the motorway. graceful as a swan, he preyed upon the open road, gobbling it all up and preparing for all three courses of this meal.
kev smiled wanly at the sight he gazed upon. the road disappeared behind them as more appeared ahead.
120mph.
the air rushed past the car, ooooooing as it flew past astonished by the magnificence of the car's contours as it cut cleanly through the surrounding air, whaling in delight as it sped along the smooth road.
"ahead 30 right then 100 left up to possible jump then ahead 50 right." reported kev from the passengers seat.
phil nodded in recognition of his co-piot's intructions.
he threw the car around the corners like in was a game of pinball, at speed maxmillian crossing lanes to follow the racing lines he could see in his mind. he smiled.
kev yelped.
"erm, coppers and speed cameras!"
"shit!" gulped phil, applying the brake as indefinitely conspicuously as a large cow dropping through your kitchen ceiling while you watch it happen.
"quick! take this turn off" cried kev, thinking quickly to get out of the way as quickly as possible as he spotted a police car ahead, waiting in a layby.
the car swerved onto the slip road at the last moment and screeched up to the lights at the roundabout as the brakes were incorporated into bringing the beast to a halt in time.
phil and kev sighed with relief.
peter woke up suddenly as the car lurched back into action as the lights went green again.
"did i miss anything?"
phil and kev looked at each other, then at peter, then at each other again.
"nah, nothin much" called phil as he dropped the car into second, and laid his head into his headrest to enjoy the new found acceleration.
peter grinned.
mr steer ignored them some more.



"the kambucha mushroom people sitting around all day"
"who can belive you? who can believe you?"
"let your mother praaaaaaaaaaaay"
"sugaaaar!" peter jested grinning like a madman, as the car pulled onto the parkway.
park square approached like a large asteroid would to a small planet.
the car veered off the roundabout at the second exit, and pulled up the hill.
the car came to a halt outside a house.
"where are we?" enquired phil.
"home, peter" replied kev.
"are we?" puzzled peter.
"yes mr steer, you're home"
mr steer was ignoring all three of the two people stood there.
"so where did we take a wrong turn in the end kev?" asked peter, still puzzled.
"well, it all started when phil decided that it would be easier to go around the houses instead of through them, onto a b-road that didn't actually exist, instead of taking the motorway which would have been quicker, and would have gotten us where were going in the alotted time."
"oh?" asked peter, still puzzled.
"yep. but you thought that doing the tangent would get us there quicker."
"it usually works" whimpered phil.
"uhhuh." kev angled.
"it does. well, sometimes."
"uhhuh." kev added quickly.
"well it made sense at the time" quizzed peter, and he puzzled over why kev was talking to him as if he was someone else.
"you see what i mean phil?" kev continued. "go the shortest fastest route, and it'll be easier"
"who are you talking to?" asked peter.
"i'm talking to phi..." kev trailed off as he realised that only him and peter were stood there. "well, i..."
"thanks for the lift g-sus. i'll catch you later" peter trundled off with house key in hand.
kev stood beside his car. puzzled. confused. and puzzled too.
he clambered back into his car after a moment's reflection, and as the engine hummed once more, he pulled off into the distance.
as the car disappeared around a corner, a shadow moved in the alleyway besides peter's house...
mr steer swamped the doorway, as peter opened the door to the knocks at it.
mr steer cackled.
peter gulped.
phil ran away.
the door closed behind mr steer as he said calmy "it's time to burn them. burn them all..."
the cackle muffled into silence, and outside was calm.