a story where the main characters are stones. I was one when i wrote it

The Story Of Stones

my body wrote this while my mind was somewhere else

the story of the stone
begins at home
where he was alone
and couldnt find his comb

in came the mouse
and shouted down the house
and took the stone to be his spouse
dont worry my dear said he
her husband to be
for i will douse
this house
the sticks
and stones and bricks
and everything all around
from the top to the ground
in vaseline
my dear madeline
but will that achieve?
cried the stone
as she reached for the dog and bone
to call the police
who had recently returned from nice
and had said it was very nice
specially for sugar and spice
it was free from head lice
and heavy prices
stop right there
my little bear
this needs to be burnt
so no matter what you learnt
in films and on tv
thats not the world you see
good guys dont always win
so just pack it in
im moving to thailand
with you near at hand
to live out our lives
with mince pies
and sparkling wines
made from foreign pines
sitting on beaches
eating furry peaches
running around naked all the time
throwing wild parties
and you'll be mine
till the end of time

fuck off replied the stone
my husband will be here any minute
and look at the state of this place
youve burnt it to the ground
whats he going to think when he gets back
i dont think he'll be too impressed
now piss off, you're annoying the neighbours as well
cant you find anything better to do with your time
fucken pyromaniacs
why do i have to live here in the styx
halfway to hell
in a burnt down house with the devil as a neighbour
and he's always miserable
whining all the time like a little girl
christ.
anyone would think he held a grudge or something

erm, excuse me.
i'd like to interupt for a minute
please mrs. pebble
let me just have a minute here
hi
i would like to point out that im not really that bad a bloke
you just hear the bad things about me
yeah, i hold a grudge sometimes
using when it comes to religion
god those religious types really boil my piss
praying
eating
sleeping
singing
praying
singing
praying
sleeping
working
sleeping
praying
all the time praying
like god is going to come down and bestow miraculous events upon them
oh yay, for i am god
kneel down and suck my chute mortals
for i am god rah rah rah
blah blah blah
christ, can you blame me for having a grudge
he's so boring and up his own arse
hey
i like the new decor mrs pebble
looks very hellish
very retro
very erm, burnt
good effects with the fire lamps in the centre of the floor here
good for spirit dances and things
rituals
you know, the odd slaughter of an innocent goat for the lord of the darkness and neverend pain
maybe i should change that name
its a little long
i mean it only just fitted on the line of dialogue there
maybe another name would be better
like frank
or dave
or satan
or damien
or erm.

look will you piss off as well, im trying to tidy the place up before my husband gets back
you know what rock is like when he's had a hard day dont you
last time he tryed hanging himself in the bedroom
but lucky for us, he was too heavy and the rope snapped
he did manage to sprain his ankle though, but thats another story all together
now if youll excuse me mr devil, im busy
i dont mean to be a pushy bird or anything
but fuck off
youre in may way

baa

what was that

baa

im hearing things in my head
i must be going looney

baa im down here you stupid bitch

what
oh hello little sheepy
how did you get in here

im a goat you daft cow cant you tell?
your door was open so i came in
im on the run from the coppers and this looks like a safe house

you're on the run?

no not really

why say it then

just trying to get your whole attention
you see, i just wanted to say
i dont think its right
what they do to us goats, lambs and sheep
fair enough mass slaughter of us for food is fine by me
i mean with all these new regulations
and things like that
i cant be slaughtered in a slaughterhouse in a nasty way
its all in sort of a nice happy fashion
sort of like
hey little goat
you're going to make a family of people very happy when the eat you
arent you you cheeky little goaty
mmm
tasty tasty
but sacrificing us for the devil
i mean whats all that about?
what a waste
they never even tell you what they're doing
until its too late
and then its like last minute you're going to bleed you goat you
and its all pretty much downhill after that
its just not right.
there has to be something about this
that can be done to save inncoent lambs from devil slaughter

will you get out please

why

you're still talking, im busy, and you're in my way

ok

peas, potatoes, carrots, cauliflower, broccolli, sprouts
all the goodness
hold on
where the hell are my green beans

dont look at me, im a goat

it wasn't me, i only eat red meat

oh no
if my husband doesnt get his daily dose of green beans
he turns into a rabid, wife wiping sanitary towel
please help me
i need some green beans!
help me

here you go

who are you

im god, and id like to say that i dont expect you to lick my ringpiece and call me charlie
the occasional blowjob here and there would be nice
i mean i did create all of you
so i suppose its the least you can do isnt it
i mean what if i was to have one blowjob for every time someone said please god...
id be a blowjobillionaire
i woul be so...

look fuck off

excuse me?

im busy making tea for my rocky baby
now give me those green beans

but i...

thank you, now piss off. okbye

....okbye

thank you
now back to the job in hand

go on baby

i wasnt talking about a blowjob you religious nutcase

sorry

now, green beans...

we interrupt this broadcast to announce that margaret thatcher and fatima whitbread have gone on the rampage in central london
reporting live from the scene is our man on the job, dayjob that is...
pierre nostardamouse

this is pierre notariousness
live from central london
where margaret thatcher
and fatima whitbread
have shed their clothes during a peace conference calling for tolerance of
javeline masculinity within english sports (JMWES) or james west as this is sometimes known
ie - that fatima whitbread, she's a bit of a james west isnt' she?
as i look out over central london from this burger stand i can see two large james wests
running around naked about 10 feet from me
the scenes here have been chaotic to say the least
spectators have claimed they even heard margaret thatcher say bitch
i think fatima also claimed she had been a man ever since the age of 2 when she decided that the life of a woman didnt appeal to her.
especially the whole childbirth thing put me off, i mean eugh...
was also heard form another spectator here today
more live updates as they happen from channel TWAT (Totally Wasted And Talkingshit)
im pierre nectarinium and now back to the studio...


thanks you pierre nitrous for that
and now to other news...

turn that crap off woman

yes love

and make me some tea

yes love

and father my children

yes love

and polish my naval wart

yes love

and clean the horse turds from my riding boots

yes love

and make wild passionate love to me all night in every way possible for as long as possible

erm, no.

what?

i'm leaving you bert

what?

i've had enough of being this stereotypical 1920's housewife
im leaving you for pastures new

WHAT? so now you're a fresian?

what?

you said were leaving for pastures new.
as in you were a cow.

no you daft biggot
im leaving you for another

WHAT?

thats right

another what?

another man

yes i figured as much

a stereotypical 1930's husband
who maybe less of a 1920's husband than you
but believe me he's more man than you
he's going places

whats this "mans" name?

alistair

alistair?

yeah, alistair caponey

why?

because i dont need this any more bert

oh.
ok then
can you make me a cuppa tea on your way out?

aaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggggh!

thanks love

and now back to pierre nastelroyd
live from central perk

hi im pierre nestlelay
live from central perk
new york
cant see any towers in pairs though
or in paris for that matter but what i can see
is courtney cox
and jennifer anniston
bitching about who has bigger boobs really
and why does jennifer always end up sleeping with her brother
i think this could go on for some time
and now back to dave onmebackmatey
in the studio...

they'll report anything these days wont they

know what you mean mate
fed up of hearing about women on the rampage
why not men on the rampage
what about sex equality
men should get there news time as well

well actually peter

i mean whats is going on in society today
when men cant even get on the news
or anything for that matter
the women are taking over arent they
soon itll be lesbianism and feminism
and bra burning and no nudity on telly until after everyone has gone to bed

as i was trying to

and sodding margaret thatcher waving her hand everywhere
and bloody fatima whitbread throwing spears
and bleedin whats her face that does the news
cant even get a man to present the news

peter would you just let me say

soon there'll be no women left doing womeny things
and ill be the only man left
and ill have to become a homosexual because the women wont sleep with me
and ill have to have sex with myself becasue i cant have sex with anyone else cos they're either lesbians or me
and every day id be like i wish i...

look shut up
its a true well known fact that around 82% of all news is regarding something a man did in such and such a place

oh so now the women are trying to make us look bad are they

no, its just that men are more stupid
and women are more dizzy
but stupidity is worse than dizziness
thusly, you hear shit about men more on the news

ok bri

alright mate

sound mate

sweet mate

soul mate


ok mate

matey mate

enough

sorry mate

ok mate

sound mate

sweet mate

enough

sorry mate

enough

ok mate

sound mate

alright mate

more crap all over
why do they show us these real life shows
where apparently they show insight into ordinary peoples lives
in front of the entire nation

i know what you mean vera

bloody real life shows
pah
they should film a day in our lives
much more interesting
i mean interesting things always happen to us
all the time

like what vera

like that day when i found a copy of razzler in baby james cot
and when the pope visited
nice old man
a bit scatty though
weird old man
but nice all the same
and when we went to japan in search of the klingon reprobates from north of the south border of cardiff
and when we won the lottery every week for a year
and that time when we thought your dad was pulling a trick to make us think he was dead and then after about two months we had the bug catchers in because we thought we were infested with cocroaches but it turned out your dad has had a heart attack and dies about eight weeks before and was beginning to desolve into out lino hed been there for that long
and then we were accused of stealing the mona lisa from some famous art gallery and it turned out that it was the michaelangelo one
and when the queen popped in for candlelit suppers
and brough that nice young man with her, whats his name

william

yes thats the one
didnt think much of the pot smoking one though

which one was that

erm... harry or something

right this will have to stop right now
we cant have people like you invading our minds
feeding us this "real life" nonsense
and talking down about the sovereign to our throne
and abusing his incompetent brother
its not right
and its not on
and it stops now

*silence*

and now play something nice

*silence*

oh come on, surely you can show somethign nice

*silence*

fine bollocks to you then

and now channel TWAT brings you the happiest days of your life
the story of one boy and his best friend
the hand.

i said somthing nice
people dont want to be shown crap like this in their homes

yes we do

you do

yes
i quite enjoy coming home to see people on telly
worse off than 90% of the english population

oh
ok then

hi everybody

who are you?

remember when you're scratching your bum not to hurt your sphincter

what

remember sphincter protection is very important
its the key to your intestinal system

what

hi
im sphincty
i would have been towelie (trademark comedy central dot com)
but due to international copyright laws
and bus fairs
i am his replacement
remember bum protection is key to a good pleasurable crap.

ok

ok

bye

bye

now play us something interesting

ok

for your pleasure
ladies and gentlemen
and little boys and girls
in a non carnal sense
the circus de freaks

you cant show that

why not boss

its politically incorrect

i see said the blind man to his deaf daughter as she threw a stick for a paraplaegic dog who had no legs and could only shuffle like a worm only looking slightly more doggish

yes, now put somthing politically correct on for our viewers

yes boss

the politically correct televisual broadcast on behalf of tony blair pm for the english governmental system using technicholour cameratic equipment loaned from tv hire shops uk ltd for a period of two days while this footage was recorded in the british broadcasting corporation studios, london, england
presented by christopher evans

hi
welcome to the politically correct televisual broadcast on behalf of tony blair pm for the english...

bloody political correctness
bastards
ruin everything with that crap

i know
its just like when i was back in 'nam
private johnson at your service sir yes sir buttup up to the top sir yes sir kill opposition not a problem sir yes sir
shooting people for a living
anticipating the next battle
waiting for the next kill
in the trees i waited
night after night
day after day
awiting for another man boy to shoot
not that i think in any way what we see on television
or hear on the radio or read in books, magazines, or tabloids
has any bearing on how we percieve the world we inhabit
or indeed as to how we percieve life and death
and to what means is killing another going to achieve
im still voting for gun licence abolishment
and the right for citizens to shoot anyone within 2 feet of personal space

and now to the cookery program where rusty pete will show you how to make lovely hashish pie...

*flick*

and now we begin the medical program where doctor franko ribeiros will show you how to disect humans below the belt and under the knife

*flick*

the news now where margaret thatcher and fatima whitbread are still causing havok in and around london today...

*flick*

nothing on again
we should go down the pub or something

yeah alright

and off they went to the pub
to live happily ever until 11.30pm after
the end
now sleep tight my little munchkin

night night daddy

night night oebdiah - jehova - dave - ingrid

night night daddy

the young child drifted away into sweet slumber
and dreamed of the beautiful things
and was happily ever after the end

that was good story daddy

yes sweetie it was
now off to sleep you go
early mornin tomorrow
weddings and funerals to go to
got to get beauty sleep
haven't we

*snore*

oh ok sweetie night night






wake up
time to get up

i just went to sleep

i know but isnt it funny how time flies when you're in a play?

yes mummy

thats all right then

mummy

yes petal

can i have another story?

i suppose so

can i have some poems?

i suppose so

yay

ok...
there was a young man called jack
and he was slack
he'd turn round and bend over
and all you could see was crack
erm
there was a boy called frank
who liked the odd ham shank
so they left him in a closet
and listened to him wank
ah
erm
once was a girl called jenny
who saved up all her pennies
she put them in a sack
and stuck it up her crack
now she rattles like a jar of rennies
i dont know
there was once an old man
who liked peanut butter and spam
but he trapped his hand
in a barbed wire fence
and now he bleats like a lamb
hmmm
what would you like me to tell you a poem about
it seems my poetry may be a little advanced for you

one about a man a shoe his dog and their trip to cardiff

one man and his dog
went to busk in cardiff
a little bit of barking
and the odd guitar riff
the dog was called jack
and walked with a limp
he wore leather dog suits
so they called him the gimp
but he could dance like a queen
and had won many medals
so theyd bought him a push bike
with training pedals
he danced a jig for the crowd
while the old man strummed away
and sung the odd song
about what happened the other day
but then the rain began to fall
and the crowd disappeared
jack thought to himself
my, well isnt that weird?
so they packed their things
and off they went
to airport to catch a plane
to go and see the president
the end

that was good mummy, now tell me the one abou the birds and the bees

well, thats a whole different bag of fish sticks isnt it
what happens is
mummy and daddy decide they want to make babies,
then daddies willy starts to wake up and it dances around a bit
and makes mummy really happy
and then i get pregant, have a baby and thats how its done

you get pregnant when youre happy?

yep

is that why you only had one baby?

yes

oh

hm

ah

oo

mm

??

enough

sorry mate

alright mate

sweet mate

dont start that again

sorry mate

okbye
















sunday